God help me
by finsbaby
Summary: Olivia is in love with somebody, but doesn't want to be, because love shouldn't hurt so much. Right?


_To any doctor or nurse...Um how long should an ER visit take? And is it normal to dream while under anesthesia? Apparently I do. So um anyway:-) Horrible writers block, and I'm going through exactly what Olivia is in this story so um this popped out. Enjoy! I own nothing! Oh wait except the poem in the end..._

* * *

He had this thing. This habit. One so damned annoying, yet so damned endearing all Olivia could do is smile. On the inside anyway. Because if he noticed-and he would, she might just tell him the truth. God help her, it was getting harder to lie. His eyes were narrowed, calm look on his face but to those who truly knew him, you could literally hear his brain working double time to solve the puzzle that was their present case. He looked like a confused pit bull. Olivia choked on her coffee at that one.

"Something funny?" Elliot asked, breaking his partner's thoughts. Olivia sighed.

"A lot is funny to me lately." she retorted, and if Elliot caught the bitterness in her tone he didn't reply.

"Care to share?" he was trying for casual, but she could hear the _WHAT'S WRONG _loud and clear. She'd been short with everyone lately, and a borderline hermit, only showing up to work and heading home. She didn't meet up with the squad for drinks, stopped calling Casey, and only communicated via text message. Cragen was the only one to actually speak to her on the phone these days, playing middle man when it came to relaying breakthroughs in cases or any other important information. She insisted that it wasn't anything anyone had done, that the whole situation was ongoing and very very personal. "Liv?"

She loved it when he used her nickname. It was her big "fuck you" to the voice in her head that called her an idiot for falling in love with a married man who would never feel the same way.

_He took the time out to give me a nickname...he didn't give Kathy one. Kath is a lazy nickname that anybody could make up. Livvie is an obvious choice for Olivia, but Liv? Nah that takes more thought. _

She felt completely ridiculous. This was so second grade. She really needed to get her shit together.

"_Olivia_." Elliot repeated.

"What?" Olivia flinched. Shit. How long had he been calling her?

"What the hell is up with you?" He seemed angry.

_That's just how he shows that he cares. Like how boys punch girls when they like-_

"OH MY GOD!" Olivia shouted loudly. Munch raised an eyebrow. Fin rolled his eyes at Munch. Elliot glared. Casey walked in, interrupting the entire exchange. Stopping at Olivia's desk she fixed her with a stare.

"You." she stated.

"Me?" Olivia questioned. Casey nodded.

"YOU." she repeated.

"Me." Olivia smiled a little.

"You-"

"US!" Munch exclaimed. Fin sighed. Casey rolled her eyes.

"So you hate me now Benson is that it? Damn answer a girl's phone call...even if it IS to tell me to fu-"

"You are so not finishing that sentence." Olivia laughed. "I've just been busy..."

"I'm a lawyer Liv. It's kinda my job to notice liars. Especially when you square off with them in chambers. Like that one sonuvabitch defense attorney-"

"Casey-"

"Answer her question." Elliot interrupted.

_Well gee I'm not busy...it's just the fact that I'm head over heels in love with Elliot and every time I look at him I want to kiss him but I can't because he's married and who the hell knows if he feels the same way and even if he DID I'm not a home wrecker he would have to be single and gee he's not do ya notice the ring? I can deal with all that but to hear him talk about how great things are going for him while just sitting across from him single hurts like hell? That's...I don't even have words. Coffee anyone?_

Smirking at just how everyone would react to that answer, Olivia met their eyes. "I plead the fifth." she declared.

"Oh damn...should we be preparing an alibi for you baby girl? This ain't another Lake situation is it?" Fin asked.

Munch shook his head. "You're an idiot." Fin grinned.

Cragen opened his office door and stared. Everyone went back to work. All except Casey.

"Yeah, see I don't work for him so-"

"Should I make a phone call to Arthur and ask just HOW long your lunch break is Casey?" Cragen asked, satisfied when then ADA bid a hasty retreat. Olivia shot him a grateful look.

* * *

The whole situation was eating her alive. Every time he mentioned Kathy she cringed. Every time she heard the word "family" she wondered what if...

_Time heals all wounds. I just need time to myself to figure this whole thing out. _

**I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night...he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar...**

So she gave him a Taylor Swift ringtone. Yeah she was screwed. Ten times over.

_No point in ignoring him. Besides...I don't need him knocking on my door tonight._

"Hello?"

"She speaks."

"What do you want Elliot." She's too tired to pretend, she just wanted everything to go back to normal, before her heart got in the way. Her brain should've been involved in the falling process. Logically, this was the last place she ever wanted to be. Emotionally, she was where she belonged as far as her heart was concerned.

"I want you to talk to me. What's up with you?"

_Everything. _

"What do you mean?"

Elliot paused. "Don't...don't treat me like one of your _friends_. I know somethings wrong."

"You _are_ one of my friends." _I need you to be. I want you to be. Because feeling like this? I can't take too much more of it._

"Bullshit. I call bullshit. I'm your_ best _friend. I'm your_ partner_. I'm somebody that can take one look at you and tell something's eating you up inside."

"I'm fine." _I'm a lost cause._

"Stop it."

"If you only knew how much I wish I could." _I'd give anything not to feel this way..._

"What do you mean?"

"I'm stressed. I'm human it happens. But it will pass and I will move on." _God willing. Maybe prayer can save me..._

"What do you need to pray about?"

"Elliot I really don't want to have this conversation with you." _Shit I spoke aloud._

"Tell me."

"If I don't want to talk about something, I don't want to talk about it! Dammit El..."

"..."

"Hello?"

"Still waiting. And I'm not going anywhere Olivia. I'm...just not okay?"

"Son of a..."

"..."

"Elliot..."

"Olivia."

"Have you ever wanted something you know you could never have?"

"Yes." Elliot answered immediately.

"No! I'm not talking the lottery, or a raise, or some bastard we never caught. It's like...never mind, you could never understand."

"Try me."

_He's a cop. If I told him everything in less than 60 seconds he'd figure it out and there goes our partnership, friendship...wait a minute..._

"I'm thinking about leaving SVU."

"You can't."

"Excuse me?"

"You can't leave."

"I'm thinking about it."

"Well now you're not."

"I'm a big girl El. If I want to do something..."

"Why the hell would you want to leave anyway?"

"Because I want a life...a family."

"You've got me, Munch-"

"You're kidding right?"

"Well spare MY feelings Liv."

"I want to get married. I want kids, a house..." _I just want you. Dammit why can't I just have you?_

"And...you can't get all of that here?"

"No." _Not sitting across from you everyday._

"Huh."

"You're better off without me anyway."

"..."

"Hello?"

"_Don't_."

Olivia could hear the tension in his voice. "Don't what?" she asked.

"Just don't." he sounded completely calm, but knowing each other worked both ways. He was furious.

"I'm just saying-"

"Shut up Olivia. Just...Shut. _up_."

"..."

Elliot let out a slow breath. "Don't ever say that to me again. Ever."

"..."

"I wouldn't be. Not now, not ever."

Olivia swallowed. "Yes you would. You'd get a new partner..."

"Who wouldn't last a week..."

"You'd have Cragen, Munch, and Fin..."

"They're not YOU Olivia."

"So what! It's a job! You go home to your family. Hug your kids..."

"..."

"Kiss Kathy..."

Elliot snorted derisively. Olivia was startled.

"Okay then..."

"She's not you either Olivia."

Putting the phone down, Olivia fought to control her breathing. _Friendship, he means it as friendship._

"If you only knew Elliot. If you only knew." she was close to tears.

"I'd be alone if you left. I wouldn't be better off." And she had to wonder how, because he had a family, friends. So much more than she so how would he be alone?

"But-"

"You can't tear a blanket in half and say I'm better off with just one piece. You can't. So..._don't. _Okay?"

_If this isn't the ultimate WTF moment of my life..._

"Liv?"

"Okay."

"Okay what."

"I won't leave." _And why does saying that make me feel better?_

"Good." She could tell he was smiling.

"So I'm half of a ratty old blanket?"

Elliot laughed. "I was trying to think of what type of friend you are." he defended himself.

"And I'm a ratty old blanket? Thanks." Olivia was laughing too by now, mood lightened.

"Okay! New type...you are...my other half." Elliot said quietly.

Olivia gaped at the phone.

_Shit gotta respond gotta respond...in a non I love you matter..._

"You are what keeps me sane." _You drive me crazy too but hey that's life..._

"That doesn't work though!"

"Oh shut up and roll with it."

"Fine..." Suddenly Eli could be heard crying in the background.

"Go El. He sounds cranky. Just like another Elliot I know..."

"Shaddup. This conversation didn't last as long as our usual ones you know."

"I know! 5 hour phone calls are the best." _Honestly I think those conversations are what made me come to love you so much..._

"We never usually talk for less than 3 hours. Out of everybody I know you are the only one I talk to for so long..."

Little Eli cried louder.

"Grab him before someone calls the police. **I**-will talk to you later."

"We are the police." Elliot laughed.

"Do you really want the rat squad on your doorstep?"

"OH LOOK AT THE TIME-"

Olivia laughed hysterically. "BYE Elliot."

"See ya Liv."

Hanging up, Olivia sat back and ran the entire conversation through her head.

"This solves nothing. In fact it only made shit worse." Shaking her head in disgust, she threw the phone onto the couch. Pulling out her Journal, she put in the day and the date.

_I've got a problem, and it needs to be solved quick_

_You're the only thing keeping me healthy, and that fact makes me sick_

Chewing her pen in thought, she sighed and closed the book. The voice in her head was telling her she was an idiot, while her heart was beating with joy.

_I'm his other half! Kathy's not me! He talks to me the most!_

Settling into her bed, Olivia made a promise to herself to stick this out. She wouldn't leave, she would stay, and she would find somebody to love her for her no matter what. Someone who wasn't Elliot Stabler.

_You are...my other half. _

"God help me." Olivia said, this time with a smile on her face.

* * *

_End! The sentence where Olivia is contemplating on what to tell Casey when asked what's wrong? I meant that to be a run on because I wanted to highlight Olivia's panic. Sorry for any mistakes it IS 3:45 am...I want you guys to look at it in a NON shipper way...based on what Elliot says, is it all in Olivia's head? hmm def food for thought...  
_


End file.
